Brandon, we have some unfortunate news for you.

Whilst thus far, we have spared you any bizarre Skull-and-Bones-style induction rituals such as gang rape or stencilling your Calfee in Volkswagen Brilliant Black Metallic, we must stress that with membership comes certain obligations, the primary one being doing stupid shit on bicycles. Therefore, we require your Bianchi's attendance at the trick ride. We will supply the riser bar and pink Ourys. Tubulars optional, but highly encouraged.